Thursday, May 17, 2007;
6:27 PM
i feel bad yelling at my mom. yeah, it was in a moment of rashness and stupidity and i should have considered her feelings before rattling off my own. being irritated at her was something i didnt want to do.
im a horrible daughter, arent i?
i feel really, really bad. & my sister's having another of her wierd mood swings. she was crying when she came home yesterday.
i'm tired. im really tired. POS hasnt been going well for me & im havent attending most of the practices due to my school commitments. even when some west cluster poeple go out together, i find that most of the time im not with them because of cca, council meetings, class, and workshops. i can feel that im slowly slipping away from them, and i dont like it one bit. im trying and trying and trying. i dont even have time to go out and have fun with my friends when pos trainings started. after school, i go straight home to bathe and im out of the house half an hour later for training, returning only at 1130 at night. i dont have time for my studies, i dont have time for my family, i dont have time for my friends. sometimes i think, am i decieving myself by saying "i shouldnt be here." ? if i cant even get hold of myself and stay positive, how am i gonna change the people around me? i dont even feel like a dance I.C. there. i'll always feel theres someone there to snatch that place away from me. or maybe im just being paranoid x) im always smiling in pos, cos i believe that a leader should never break down, if not she'll lose the respect people has for her. training is hard, but im not complaining. i just see the attitudes of my fellow westcluster-ians and think to myself, "this is not the way to act." one of them even told me how to do one of the dance steps properly; but in an extremely harsh way. she might not know how she may have sounded, but to me i was hurt. but then again, who am i to judge them? all i did was to suppress my feelings. jo-ann could see i was trying (: thanks jo-ann (:
im tired physically, im tried emotionally, im tired spiritually. but i decided. ITS TIME TO BE LIFTED UP! :D
no more moping around, no more feeling sorry for myself, no more getting myself pushed around, no more entertaining their childish whims. if they dont like me the way i am, im sorry then. i dont need friends like you guys to pull me away from God. im GONNA BE A LEADER poeple would look up and have the respect for me, and most of all, to regain the
fire of God back into my life. i'm sorry for complaining xD i just had to let everything out without yelling my lungs out (:
xoxo, k.
