Run away with me to LONDON.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007;

9:40 PM

okay.
i'm WAS suppose to go to philippines THIS THURS (to tuesday) , due to the fact that my grandmother just passed on.
call me insensitive, call me cruel, call me detestable. BUT I SIMPLY CANT GO. why not? take a look at my schedule :

thursday :
school 8am-330pm
POS training 2pm-10pm
(slot in at DUNNO WHAT TIME) making of passport
friday :
school 8am-1230pm
-collection of report book
medical checkup 1pm-3pm
POS 3rd preview 7pm-10pm
i dont even wanna type my schdule for the weekend. its hectic.

agh. i dunno okay. i cant believe in a short span of 3 hours, everything went chaotic. but the thing that pissed me off the most was my mom crying over the phone saying, "but im going back on tuesday, why did she had to leave??" again, call me insensitive, call me cruel, call me detestable, BUT I COULDNT TAKE IT. if my grandmother's gone, shes gone! she has accepted Christ & right now she's in Heaven! why make such a big deal out of it? why not just think of it in a different perspective? sometimes i dun get it. yeah, i might not be sympatatic, or to show empathy but its no use crying over split milk right? its God's will, not our will. we can choose, yes. but isnt it better just to look at it in a more positive way?

sigh. or am i just plain wierd?
i'm tired. and i have been crying lately without a reason. its just something inside me that yearns to cry out more. and even more. i miss the people from easter drama. when i'm with them, i could grow more. i'll have that sense of wanting to be more with God. heh, it reminds me of ... those drama people who has really high spiritual maturity. funny, during the easter drama, i always felt that i had to go higher and reach out more in order to catch up with people like samuel, victor, jennifer, alan, derrek...
yet somehow, i have something holding me back. im really confused and tired.

&here's the tears again. i dont know what to do, seriously.
everythings churning inside me. mixed emotions.
i just talked to samuel online, and at that time, i just felt so relieved. i dont know why.
i started crying as i typed on the keyboard.
i just felt that i was completely blank, i didnt have an answer, i didnt know what to do.
then samuel said, "then theres only really one thing to do for the time being..pray."
& i thought, "yea, thats the only thing to do now. God has all the answers. does he want me to come back to him? to come back to my first love?"

I want to grow more, Lord.

xoxo, k.