Run away with me to LONDON.

Sunday, December 30, 2007;

4:55 PM

dreams.
nightmares.

you know how little kids wake up crying in the middle of the night after a bad dream?
and couldnt go back to sleep after that?
i never experienced that as a kid.
to literally wake up crying.

had a nightmare last night.
it was scary.
or more of like, it was something i never want to happen in my life.
my dream... might have been comical to others (even to me when i told mag and fran), but it was totally the opposite when i was dreaming it.
it scared me.
i woke up crying and half-awake.
Big Sister was staring at me, i think she had the shock of her life.
who wouldnt?

i never cried after a bad dream before.
even the most freakiest ones when i was being chased by some unknown green ghostly-like stuff in my dreams.
i knew something was wrong.
yet, i didnt say anything.

but all of it

seemed like a scene

rehearsed from a play...

----

I didn't cry the day you moved away
I didn't think that I could feel this pain
Until I saw the stranger that was you

its that yellow-jacket girl again.
the one i always see around with him.
beside him in services, together during dinner, hanging around him during those times before service started.
she's just a friend, kezia.
just a friend.
they were more than friends.
i can just.. tell.
dont ask me how, i just can.
correct me if im wrong, then.
correct me if what i said isnt true.
correct me if they were really just friends.

it doesnt seen like just friends to me.

I need to wake up from this state of mind
The situation is the same kind
I gotta get your memory out of my head
Would you catch me if I had to fall
Would you even find the time for that at all
Tell me how
Help me say the words out loud

so many questions to ask Father.

why cant it be him?
because I have put a better one in your life. he is not the one.
why had i drifted from you, Father?
you came to church not because of Me, but because of him.
when did liking him became a burden?
ever since you decided to do things by yourself, without Me helping. and when you saw that there was another girl. anger and envy took over, making you tired and weary.
when did my feelings take over what i believed in You?
when you let your canal flesh took over. and it blinded the real you, you who had believed in My plan, and that everything has a right time for it.
why did i allow it to happen even though i knew?
because you wanted him, regardless of what was going to happen. you were blinded. you desired him. you prayed for a relationship between each other. you refused to acknowledged My answer for you. you didnt want to hear My answer for you.
true love isnt true, right?
it exists, but not now. everything has a season for itself. wait, and keep on waiting.
will you be with me, even as i meet other things in life that will test me?
I will be with you until the end of time. I will never leave or forsake you, this is My promise.

i love You, Father.
and I love you too, My beloved.

Could it be
That nothing's gonna change
Time has got a way of taking back
Everything you thought you had
The one I lost when I let go of you

im putting everything in my Father's hands once again.
everything's gonna be alright.
just keep hanging on to his promises, kezia.

----

it was quiet during the ride back home on the mrt.
wasnt talking as much as i used to.
fran and mag noticed it i guess.
i tried to joke with them. heh.
it helped, for a while.

sorry fran, for those black marks on your shoes i've made.
i just wanted to do something so that those shoes wouldnt be white.
too white.
too perfect.

i want to scream at something.
i want to yell at something.
i want to kick at something.
i want to run until im out of breath.
i want to jump into the sea.
i want to blast my ears with music.

i want to go somewhere.
i feel like going up to Heaven and saying Hi to Father.
heh. its fun.

yellow jacket girl appeared again today.
i had a strange feeling, like a mixture of jealousy perhaps?
she knows him so well.
and me?
only getting the jitters around me.
hardly can say hi without the insides squirming.

or maybe im just paranoid.
but, all these doesnt matter.
it all doesnt matter.
i was never meant to be together with him.
i was never meant to be together with him.
we were never meant to be together.

i rather not have him know all of this, its better than doing a mistake i know i'll regret.
i think i can talk to him more normally now.
i think i wont be hiding my face under my hair everytime i see him now.
i think i will be able to look him straight into the face now.

friends?
maybe. just maybe.

the play came to an abrupt end.

xoxo, k.