Friday, May 16, 2008;
1:55 PM
alone.
sometimes i wonder how much those that were once closest to you have changed.
many months have passed.
i've seen people come and go in my life.
in this journey of happiness, sadness, anger, comfort ...
people just come and go.
few stay like mag or sarah for example.
many went and were lost in the world.
how many times have i seen the one that was once the closest to me gone astray?
definately not just a few times.
in fact, many. leaving me behind.
and then after i get back up on my feet, i left them behind.
met new people, how many would just pass by?
how many would stay?
coming from all walks of life ...
school, church, drama productions, outings.
so many left, yet so many stayed.
was just randomly clicking on people's blogs and i came across one.
one that used to be a really close friend of mine.
didnt plan to actually read the blog but after scanning through it,
i just felt a whole sense of sadness and grief.
when did he start to turn away?
when did he strayed off?
most importantly, why?
there was the usual rant and deep thoughts he was going through.
his thoughts of how life sucked and wasnt worth it.
even as i scanned through the post, vulgarities jumped out.
i was appalled. is this really the person i once thought he was?
maybe not. probably not.
people change. even me.
change for the better or the worst, thats not up to me to decide.
and with a swoosh, i remembered the day he was gone.
taking another with him.
i cried so much that day that they were both gone.
everything is a choice.
a decision everyone must go thru.
will i carry on without Him?
or rather, can i carry on without Him?
what does it feel to not believe?
envy. sometimes people envy.
even me. of course, no words would ever come out.
i wish i can be oh so-and-so.
i wish i can be somebody else.
i wish i can have some special inside of me.
insecurities.
confidence can be lost.
yet, it can be regained again.
many might see confidence as conceitedness.
there is a line to divide that.
positive, and the negative.
just a flicker of the eyes, or looking at a person.
i can see the character.
people are like a book to me.
someone i can read through, someone i can see through.
oh, this isnt arrogance obviously.
im just ... saying it.
not boasting about it. ye gads, never.
but when the time comes,
who will leave you behind and continue on?
who will stay to help you up?
will you be left alone?
running so far away so that it wouldnt hurt?
screaming? shouting?
everything is a choice.
xoxo, k.
alone.