Thursday, March 26, 2009;
10:58 PM
I have so much thoughts that I want to pour out right now, but I'm afraid that it might not come out the way I want it to.
Although I haven't met him for about 2 to 3 years already, I still frequently visit the blog of a friend of mine. He probably won't know who I am or that I've been following on his posts for the last 2 years, but I really look up to this guy. His language, his thoughts, his way of expressing feelings are so... fascinating. I am very much envious of him. He is in every aspect what I like in a person. By just his posts alone he encourages me, motivates me, spur me on and gave me strength to have faith in myself and in the language I love. Although his posts doesn't mention a thing about me, but his way of writing is really impels me to enjoy the English Language and to write.
It feels like the emotions when he was writing the posts just course through me. It's an indescribable feeling.
He writes thought-provoking, sophisticated words that just seems to flow out so easily and casually. It was like using words like 'stragem', 'cocotte', 'provocative', 'chagrin' etc in normal everyday sentences. It was a nice and refreshing change to indulge myself in such posts rather than some blogs that are... utterly disgusting. I would love to be surrounded by people that uses nice profound words to express their feelings fully, rather than to comment that it was just 'nice' or 'good'. I mean, out of the entire English Language you say words like 'good' or 'exciting'? What about 'congenial' or 'satisfying'?
Of course, I am just as guilty for using poor words in my speech and stories. I shall change myself and not be so contradictory.
I am very envious of such people who can write fantastically well. I feel like an utter failure in writing whenever I re-read the short stories I've written.
And to top it all off, he is the kind of person that makes your heart beat faster if he's attracted to you. I'm not talking in terms of how he looks, although he is a pretty average looking guy. Rather it is the way he thinks and expresses himself, the tenderness of it all. I can barely find the words to describe this, so excuse my poor vocabulary. It's like... I could literally
feel the way he felt when he wrote those words. The heartache, the longing, the love, the gentleness, all his different emotions. You could see he put a lot of thought into his every action. And even though the precious girl he likes does not share a mutual feeling, he would still go to great lengths to make her happy. Unconditional love. Sigh. But looking at the way she treats him, I think the girl doesn't really deserve such a great guy.
He makes me feel that there
are guys out there that are completely sensitive and ready to give their heart to the one girl that makes them feel special. And that not all guys are completely jackasses and jerks that plays around with a girl's heart.
Basically he makes me feel that loving another special person of the other gender isn't as bad as I always thought it was.
Past experiences has shaped the way I feel towards a relationship between 2 people, how I've always wondered if the kind of sweet pleasant love could actually exist, how two very much in love could stare in each other's eyes and never tire out from it. Like Mr Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet. Men in the olden days thought a lot into their actions, and rarely show affection unless they feel absolutely drawn to the lady. It's sweet in its own way. I guess you can never truely write love stories or poems or a drama play without actually having
experience love before. You could copy it, try to re-enact it or simply follow its actions but can never fully express the real feeling of love.
This is one of the rare occasions that my post reveals my true emotions and my thoughts... There are things I can't fully express unless I write them out anyway. And I realised I took an hour and a half to write these out.
I shall try harder to make my life be one worth looking back to and smiling at in the future!
'Cause I'm on the up and up, I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up, given up on what I know I'm capable of
Yeah, I'm on the up and up and yeah, there's nothing left to prove
'Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you
A better version of me for you
Labels: inner feelings
xoxo, k.
