Sunday, May 24, 2009;
12:59 AM
You can't see behind that facade of cheerful smiles right? It's because it was exactly how it was intended to be.
I'll make it through the pain
and weather the hurricanes...
I realise that lately my posts has been fluctuating a lot. One moment I'm hyper, the next I'm thinking. I really should be more consistant seriously.
Life is like a emotional rollercoaster right now. I laugh, I cry, I complain, I smile, I rant, I wonder. A million things goes through my mind... too many things. I feel that I'm forgetting something important. So much pressure, so much hurt, so much disappointments. There are so many decisions and choices to make.
Everywhere is a battlezone inside. Or maybe that's just how it feels.
So many things are happening at the same time... everyday I feel like my dream is moving further and further away. A journalist, a writer, a cell group leader, a role model, a inspiration to others - the road to it seems like its disappearing. I'm losing touch. Why? As I lay in bed, I ask myself...
Why didn't God let me into a JC? Why didn't God give me the results I wanted for my O levels? Why didn't He let me go to SAJC? Haven't I been praying? Haven't I been believing? Haven't I been visualising? Haven't I been working for the various subjects? WHY?
Why didn't He put me in a course I wanted? Why did I end up in NYP's SIDM DMDAnimation? Why am I barely scraping through my modules? Why am I not doing what I love? Why am I not writing? Why am I falling? Why did He let me fall? Why do I feel like everything's closing in? Why do I cry more in this past month than my 4 years in secondary school? Why am I feeling so limited? WHY? WHY?!
I'm tired of telling myself that "Maybe you were put in here for such a time as this." I'm tired of telling myself I'm not good in drawing. I'm tired of telling myself I just have to think positively. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of not being good enough. I'm tired of feeling dejected everytime I see Wayne's, Tiff's, Daph's or Amanda's works. I'm not used to this at all... For the past 4 years I was good in English. I owned and I pwned. Now I'm down to the lowest of the lowest. A whole sleepless night's worth of work is deemed as ugly and not good enough, while other's half an hour's worth of work is said to be the best infront of everyone. It's unfair. It's just too unfair.
Dad told me to consider taking a break from DG and from being a COC leader. To be a normal member. To consider applying for another course. I wish I was back in secondary 4. Working hard, mugging hard, laughing, eating, chilling out. I regret so so much. Way beyond what I'd imagined. But there's no turning back. There's no flipping to the the last pages of the book you've read and blotting the ink out.
I feel hard-pressed in every side, but the Bible says not to give up because there's a greater force in me pushing the pressure back. But what if this earthern vessel is crying too much and is begging for the forces to stop?
Kris Allen - No Boundaries
Seconds, hours, so many days
You know what you want, but how long can you wait?
Every moment last forever
When you feel you've lost your way
What if my chances were already gone?
I started believing that I could be wrong
But you give me one good reason
To fight and never walk away
So here I am, still holding on
Chorus:
With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing
Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up on your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can
There are no boundaries
There are no boundaries
I fought to the limit, to stand on the edge
What if today is as good as it gets?
Don't know where the future's heading
But nothing's gonna bring me down
I've jumped every bridge and I've run every line
I risked being safe but I always knew why
I always knew why
So here I am, still holding on
Chorus.
You can go higher, you can go deeper
There are no boundaries above and beneath you
Break every rule 'cause there's nothing between you
And your dreams
Chorus.
-----
There are always more chances and opportunities to come right?
Tell me something I need. Tell me that I'm awesome. Tell me I'm above and not beneath. Tell me WHY. Tell me the answers of all my questions. Tell me everything's going to be okay. Tell me I'm not going down. Tell me I'm not making the wrong decisions. Tell me. I have to know. I need to know. I want to know.
I need you now.
xoxo, k.
